Shabbat Shuvah. Shabbat of Return.
I am writing this with a tumultuous heart. I know this is a new year and we should be filled with joy and excitement, but honestly, I just don’t feel it this year. Much like with t’shuvah, where the first step is an acknowledgment of the wrong that was done, I think that the first step for healing is with an acknowledgment of the fear and worry we feel. So, in the spirit of the High Holy Days that call for self-reflection and for personal honesty–I will do just that; I am writing with a tumultuous heart because I struggle with the changes that this pandemic forced upon us. We are living in crazy times with too many changes in the world, in our country and in our own community. The uncertainties only exacerbate the stress and the sense of being ‘lost’. Our Sages should have taught:
Too many changes – דיינוit would have been enough.
Too many changes, too fast – באמת דיינוit should have been enough.
Too many changes, too fast, with too many uncertainties – ממש דיינו now this is really enough!
Of the many changes I could write about, I will reflect on two: Although I will remain in my primary role of Director of Education, tomorrow will be my last Shabbat in the role of Ritual Director. This is bittersweet. Bitter, because I love what I was doing. Sweet, because I will now have more time for my studies. This is my last semester with Aleph Ordination Program, and God willing, I will receive my s’micha (ordination) this coming January. The five-year long, awaited, dreamed about, special ceremony with my family, friends and colleagues, will now be celebrated on Zoom…
Of course, I continually remined myself to think of all that I am grateful for, that this might be a blessing in disguise and to ‘make lemonade out of lemons’. But with the really significant losses in our lives, when the confusion, hurt and disappointment is so deep, these words just don’t cut it. Like an empty Hallmark cliché, they are not enough to move us from where we are to where we want to be. Covid, work-stress, riots, divisive politics – even if we know that these are the causes for the way we feel, it still does not alleviate the feeling itself.
There are two concepts at the essence of Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and the days in between: T’shuvah and S’lichah. The word t’shuvah תשובהis mostly translated as repentance and return, but it also means an answer. The word s'licha סליחה is translated as forgiveness. We don’t usually mention freedom of choice as a relevant concept for these holy days. But isn’t it at the core of it all? Being granted freedom of choice by the creator is why we are able to go astray to begin with, and it is this freedom of choice that allows us to repent. With no choice, there is no need for Yom Kippur as a day of atonement at all.
So what is the t’shuvah, the answer, for those of us feeling a sense of loss and confusion in these crazy times?
For me, it is knowing that no matter what, I still have the choice. Knowing that it is within me to reclaim, to return to a place of inner holiness where the still small voice is stronger than the wind, earthquake and fire* of the world around us.
And so, on the heels of Rosh Hashanah,
I choose Malchuyot – I choose to believe in, and embrace God’s everlasting love
I choose Zichronot – I choose to remember that there is always goodness waiting to happen
I choose Shofarot – I choose to sound my own call for hope and wholeness
In anticipation of Yom Kippur, I choose Forgiveness. Forgiveness for the lost potential, forgiveness for what could have been, forgiveness for all that was missed.
I choose to fight this tumultuousness by opening my heart to genuine forgiveness, renewed hope, the goodness of man, and God’s love.
I want to express my profound gratitude to all of you who always answered the call for Torah reading, Haftarah chanting and T’filah leading. It is you who make this congregation the great place it is! A special thank you to Fred Karp, Albert Banker, Ken Saliman, and Jonathan Defez, my ‘go-to’ guys.
To the Rabbis, Cantor, Laura and our board - בהצלחה, much success and prosperity as you navigate this ship in these uncharted waters.
To the students and families of HEART K-12 Education, may we learn to open our hearts to all that is good and right.
For the rest of us, may it be Shanah Tovah and may we all merit G’mar Chatimah Tovah.
Shabbat Shalom!